In a post in Inc. Magazine, Jeff Haden talks about feeling “completely out of your depth.” The post is about simple words of praise and reassurance – how those words can make all the difference, and what an easy gift they are to give.
As I read Jeff’s story (which I recommend – click through on the link), my own story of Phyllis flooded back to me.
Even though Phyllis had retired after a long career in human resources for a major corporation, she never lost the habit of reading the employment ads in the Sunday paper. That’s when she found the ad Dimitri and I had placed for an office manager, way back when we first opened the doors of our consulting firm in the early 90’s. The ad was so unconventional*, it caught her eye – enough so that she threw her resume into the mix.
Of the hundreds of applicants we had for that job, Phyllis was clearly the prize in the bunch. And so it was that Phyllis came out of retirement to work for us for the formative first few years of our business – a gift that has resulted in an almost 20 year friendship.
But it might not have ended that way.
Dimitri and I are a handful. Working with us requires a certain level of energy, attentiveness, curiosity, tenacity, flexibility. We know that now, in part because Phyllis taught us that. She used to say, “I’m always afraid to leave for lunch. I know that everything will have changed by the time I get back!”
For someone who had been living the quiet life of retirement, after 30 years in the staid HR department of a staid national mortgage firm, Phyllis’s first week was as overwhelming as if she had begun managing all three rings of a traveling circus. We often saw the deer-in-the-headlights look on her face that first week – the look that said, as Jeff Haden notes, that she felt completely out of her depth.
When she said goodnight the Friday after her first week, Dimitri and I felt her discomfort. We also knew she was absolutely the person we needed.
So I picked up the phone that Friday night, and I called Phyllis. I told her I knew the week was overwhelming, but we were so glad she was there – and that we knew she would fit in just fine.
I promptly forgot that I made that call. But when she retired for the second time – after 3 years with us – Phyllis told that story to the group assembled at her retirement party.
“After that first week,” she told us all, “I felt so overwhelmed. I knew I couldn’t handle this job, and knew I’d spend the weekend figuring out how to quit.
“After that phone call, though, I spent the weekend feeling just the opposite – that I could do this, and that this was absolutely a place I wanted to be.”
There are people all around us, all the time – our coworkers, our family, our friends, our colleagues. Every day, our culture demands that we appear capable. And every day, each of us has doubts.
Just those few words of reassurance – words that let someone know, “I believe in you” – those few words can make all the difference in the world.
*Re: the ad that drew Phyllis out of retirement – here’s the format we used.
Hildy,
I love this! It requires so little of us to remember to be supportive and complimentary and make people feel terrific (which you of course are simply stellar at!). On the flip side, we can undermine a person’s sense of capability or achievement by an unthinking remark or even no remark at all. Thank you for this great reminder of the power we have to help others reach their highest potential through thoughtfulness and encouragement.