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Waitress: So, what don’t you want?
Sherriff (glancing at the menu on the wall): Oh, well, I think I’ll just, uh…
Waitress:
You know I’ve been working here 44 years. Ain’t nobody ever ordered
nothing but T-bone steak and a baked potato. So either you don’t want
the corn on the cob, or you don’t want the green beans. So what don’t
you want?
Sherriff: I don’t want green beans.
Deputy: I don’t want green beans either.
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What DO you want?
Our
everyday speech is so filled with language about what we do not want,
we might be surprised to find how much we all sound like the waitress in Hell or High Water.
- I didn’t mean to hurt you...
- I don’t disagree with that...
- I don’t want to make assumptions...
When
you begin noticing how ever-present that negative framing is in our
lives, you begin realizing how much negativity our brains are forced to
reckon with every day.
Because what our
brains hear are those words just as they are spoken, whether that is
what the speaker meant or not. And in that negative space, our brains
fill in the gaps.
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| | When we hear, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” our brains think, Yeah, but you did, you jerk. So where does that leave me?!” Or maybe even, “What sort of sociopath would you be if you actually meant to hurt people?!”
When we hear, “I don’t disagree with that,” our brains wonder, “Does that mean you agree? I'm still not sure.”
When we hear, “I don’t want to make assumptions,” our brains get defensive. “What exactly are you assuming about me?"
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Those
reflexive responses all change when you move from talking about what
you DON'T want, to instead talk about what you DO want and what you DO
mean.
- I feel so bad that I hurt you. I’m so sorry. (I didn’t mean to hurt you.)
- I agree with you, you’re right about that. (I don’t disagree with that.)
- I want to be sure I am listening to what you really mean. (I don’t want to make assumptions.)
Whether
or not the actual message is what we want to hear, the words now at
least feel honest and true. And importantly, our brains are not left to
fill in the blanks with our own imaginative stories.
Try This:If you’d like your conversation to be more about what you do want (and less about what you do NOT want), try this…
#1: Notice
As you listen to the news, or to TV or movies, notice how often people’s speech patterns focus on what they do NOT want.
Once
you begin noticing it, you will find that phrasing everywhere. And that
can lead to listening to your own language, both spoken and in writing.
How many times are you stating what you do NOT want / mean / feel?
#2: What DO you want?
Once you notice that framing, flip the question around, asking yourself:
“If that is what you do NOT want, what DO you want?”
When
you practice communicating your actual intentions, you will be taking
steps towards more direct communications with the people in your lives.
And that is a big step towards bringing out the best in ourselves and
everyone around us.
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As
you begin practicing this practice, please hit “reply” to this email
and let us know what happens. A big part of the success of Creating the
Future’s mission relies on sharing each other’s stories! Learn more about that mission here…
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Creating
the
Future
is a
collection of
people around
the world,
supporting
each other in
a grand
experiment.
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The
experiment:
To
determine how
much better
the world
could be if
the questions
we ask in our
day to day
lives are
bringing out
the best in
each other.
If
everyone,
everywhere, is
bringing out
the best in
every person
they encounter
– and if the
systems that
guide our
behaviors are
built to bring
out the best
in all of us -
how much
closer will we
all be to a
healthy,
humane world
that works for
all of us?
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Keeping Our Programs Freely Available Most of the programs at Creating the Future are free or low cost, with liberal tuition assistance when they aren’t.
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If you find our programs of benefit, we hope you will consider contributing, to help keep these programs available to as many |
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SUBSCRIBE to
get this e-Journal
Creating
the Future
3849
E
Broadway Blvd #238
Tucson,
Arizona 85716 USA
Creating the Future is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization in the U.S.A
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