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| How can we get people to…? |
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How can I get them to…?
- Getting your spouse to clean up after herself…
- Getting group members to take action on a project…
- Getting someone to agree with your point of view…
At some time, each of us wishes we could just get others to do what we want them to do.
We may start out hopeful, asking them to do something. When they fail to take action, we move to getting
them to do it – an unhappy blend of wishing they were doing it of their
own volition, and our own exasperation and frustration that what we
want isn’t happening. Our desire for control then steps in, as we
wonder...
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| “How can I get her to see things my way?”
“How can we get legislators to vote our way?”
“How can I convince my coworkers to just do what they said they’d do?”
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| The
good news is that your sense of frustration can be used as a signal to
pivot. Instead of heading down the path of resentment and hurt feelings
on everyone’s part, you can practice Catalytic Listening to create more
meaningful communication and understanding, to create what is possible.
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| Try this:
Conflict arises when “what is important to me” and “what is important to you” are not aligned.
In practicing Catalytic Listening, we realize we do not really know
what is important to that other person. We assume we know, based on
their behaviors and their words, but we don’t really know what they’re
feeling. And the more we learn about and practice Catalytic Listening,
the more we realize... we don’t even have a clear understanding of what is important to ourselves!
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| So the next time you are frustrated that someone isn’t doing what you want them to do, Step 1 is to deeply listen to yourself.
Listening objectively to yourself
When it comes to whatever is frustrating you, ask yourself…
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| What is it about X that is so important to me?
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After you have answered the first time, ask it again, about your prior answer…
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| And what is important to me about THAT?
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| Repeat that question until you have a clear sense of what is at the core of this issue for you.
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| I
am frustrated that my partner always leaves the towel crumbled on the
bed after her shower, no matter how often I ask her not to. How can I
get her to stop doing that?
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| What is it about the towel that is so important to me?
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| Well it’s on her side of the bed, so it probably shouldn't bother me, but it does. Who leaves a damp towel on the bed?
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| And what is important to me about THAT?
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| I
like things tidy, and the damp towel on the bed makes me feel like
things aren’t right. She knows that, but she leaves it there anyway.
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| And what is important to me about THAT?
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| I
feel like she knows this is really important to me and she doesn’t
care. Maybe deep inside I worry that she doesn’t care about me period,
that my needs will never be met, or that…
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| What
you'll notice in this progression is that you have moved from focusing
on the thing (the towel) to focusing on you as a person (your feelings
and worries and emotions). At the core of Catalytic Thinking is the
principle that "It's always about the people, never about the thing."
This is what that core tenet looks like in action.
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| In next week’s eJournal, we will focus on Step 2, your conversation with the other person(s).
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| | The
less you understand your own feelings, the more likely you are to speak
through the lens of blame and anger. And those defensive emotions only
make open communication more difficult.
That
is why the practice of Catalytic Listening - asking, listening and
reflecting, focusing on the human side of the situation vs. the "thing"
- is the first step in the Catalytic Thinking framework. And it is why that practice is most effective when it starts with listening to ourselves. |
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Want to learn alongside other people who are also trying out Catalytic Thinking practices? Join us at the Catalytic Thinking in Action community on Facebook -
a welcoming place where you can ask questions and learn from people
like you who are experimenting with these practices. We look forward to
seeing you there!
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eJournal Archives:
If you’re new to our eJournal, or just want to remind yourself of past practice exercises we’ve shared, check out our eJournal archives here.
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Keeping Our Programs Freely Available Most of the programs at Creating the Future are free or low cost, with liberal tuition assistance when they aren’t.
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| If you find our programs of benefit, we hope you will consider contributing, to help keep these programs available to as many people as possible. Donate here ... |
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Creating
the
Future
is a
collection of
people around
the world,
supporting
each other in
a grand
experiment.
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The
experiment:
To
determine how
much better
the world
could be if
the questions
we ask in our
day to day
lives are
bringing out
the best in
each other.
If
everyone,
everywhere, is
bringing out
the best in
every person
they encounter
– and if the
systems that
guide our
behaviors are
built to bring
out the best
in all of us -
how much
closer will we
all be to a
healthy,
humane world
that works for
all of us?
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